( He plays with the cords along his bed, fingers twirling into them as he considers. He could just tell Hiyori to fuck off, that it's none of his business, that he should watch his mouth. He could be threatening, be mean. But... )
I could force everyone to like me, sure. I could alter your memories, could pretend we never had this argument. I could erase everything, again and again, each time it somehow came up...
( His twirling stops, and he meets Hiyori's eyes, frowning. )
But isn't that more lonely than anything else? I can't stand that sort of mindset, changing everyone around me to that degree. It's what my father would have done to me if he had the choice.
And even if I had tried it, even if it was something I'd stand doing, I'd be living in the aftermath with the knowledge of what you truly think I deserve while you cheerily go on about singing. ( He already had a lot of that, but it would be worse to know it so finally, so truly. To not be accepted for who he is, but simply because of what he'd done. Disgusting. )
Maybe I'm simply not as scummy as you think I am. Not like that.
And what does that prove? It seems you play at being a lot of things you resent.
[Talking down on Kirma for being a tool who does anything anyone says, only to make himself into Aventurine's tool. Scorning Aventurine for harboring a death wish, only to behave so recklessly that it's like he's asking to be killed. This time he wasn't. But next time?
But onto the discussion about memory erasure. There's one surprising line in all this: "It's what my father would have done to me." Surprising because it suggests empathy. Esikko's always seemed like he's on a quest to make others feel the same pain he's felt on his life, so for him to say that...
Hiyori's quiet for a moment after he finishes, studying him. Before at last he comments:]
It's almost a shame you draw the line there. If you did take those memories away, I wouldn't get sick thinking about that disgusting thing you made him do. And that "aftermath" you mentioned would seem a fitting punishment for you.
[Esikko would be forced to reflect on his actions, while he gets to keep his peace of mind. Still, he shakes his head.]
But that's a far cry from the kind of friendship I hoped we'd have. And I can't keep turning my eyes away from everything that's rotten about the world. As much as I'd like to, I can't, so...
( Something snaps, not physically, but weighted all the same. A line that once tied the two together waves free and vanishes, leaving behind only the thinniest, fraying thread of pure hope and delusion. He can feel it— but while Hiyori might feel the break, Esikko is certain he wouldn't be able to feel anything more than that. )
Having to live in the real world with the rest of us.
( Despite the phrasing, he doesn't sound angry. He sounds tired, disappointed even, and with a quiet glance down, he pulls the IV out of his arm, allowing it to drop and hang from the cord to the ground. Another finger stays pressed against the opening to be sure his weird blood doesn't begin to pulse out, but the floral scent is already filling the room even more. )
You can think of me as a monster. As disgusting, or sick, or cruel. But at least I'm finally, wholly me. That's what it took to break past that thick skull of yours.
( He's staring at his own arm, unblinking, too calm. )
[The corpse stuff bothered him more than the murders. Way, way more. So after Esikko mentioned the amnesia, a cowardly hope took root. A hope that Esikko, desperate to make things right, would erase that memory. How lovely it would've been if he could have gone back to being ignorant. If he never had to contend with someone he cared about doing something so hideous. But of course such a magical solution wasn't truly viable.
His eyes flare when he feels the snap. Startled, he raises a hand to his own chest, as though trying to feel it. To reach inside himself and grasp that fraying thread.
Because it does hurt. It hurts to feel something slip away from him that's been with him for almost a year, a tether that connects him to someone else. Above all, he hates being alone. And he's lost so many friends here. Rinne, Leo, countless others. He feels like he could disappear any day. It's why he can't help but look stricken, can't help but hurt. And maybe through what remains of that thin thread, Esikko will feel the sensation of loss he feels, just for a second.
But then he grits his teeth, letting his hand fall again. He knows what to do next. Rather than keep watering this plant, which has so many black spots...]
I don't think you're a monster.
[... no. That's not what he meant to say. He meant to say something harsh that would sever things once and for all. But it's too late, so he lets the rest spill out after.]
That's what bothers me. I don't see you as one, so I don't know how you could do something so cruel. Or why you show no remorse for anything, even now.
[That, at least, is closer to what he meant to say. His voice gets rougher as he continues:]
That's the problem. That's why it's past tense. Not because you killed someone who paid you, or because you and Kirma-kun keep hurting each other. It's your cruelty I can't accept.
[And then, more softly:]
Even though I'm like that, too, sometimes.
[... ah. He hadn't meant to say that, either. But it rings true to him. He thinks about the mean things he's said to other people, including Esikko. About his Spades designation. All the mistakes he's made from "those days" up until now.
But he pushes those thoughts aside. Reaches into his bag, smells that floral scent that hangs in the air as he takes the vial back out and places it on the bed next to Esikko. Because that should do it, right? That should end things.]
... sorry.
[He means it, on some level, despite still feeling like this is Esikko's fault.]
Because I don't see what was too cruel. The agreed upon assignment? The also agreed upon experimentation, to determine how the House works? It was dirty work, I didn't enjoy watching it done, but it was necessary to further understand things.
My "cruelty" brought those two together as a happy couple.
( That's what bothers him the most, he thinks. Being called cruel when he only acts within reason, in his eyes. He doesn't do these things for no reason. Even killing Kirma in a fit was for a reason, was for lifetimes of reasons— misplaced as they are. He knows.
But he thinks he's gone through plenty of cruel things himself, too, that so many others would write off as fine. So he's just a bit bitter about it. )
I don't need an apology, you know. I'm not sulking just to get you to say sorry and move on. ( He mumbles this, eyes flicking down to the vial that he refuses to take. )
I'm not sorry for doing what I've done. I'm not sorry for being cruel, because it's the only way I've kept myself safe. But I am sorry for making you fear over nothing. You were never in danger, with me. And I'm sorry if that's not enough, for you, as well.
( He's tired. He doesn't expect this to change anything, either, but he's glaring down at that vial. )
If you don't take that, I'm throwing it out. Just so you know.
[He didn't give the vial back so Esikko could use it. He did it so they could put this whole miserable friendship project to bed! After all, the connection should break if he makes it clear he can't accept Esikko or any more things from him, right? (Not counting his pet sunflowers, who are presently sitting in his suite eagerly awaiting their next concert. He can't give those back. He's not heartless.)
Things don't feel any different than they did a minute ago, though, which might mean there's still something there between them. And that's a shame, since this morally bankrupt, absurdly clueless, head-in-the-sand prince is still saying he didn't do anything cruel. Even after he killed two people! And not only that, but forced his dog to—
..... wait a second.]
What are you talking about?
[Hiyori stares at him, frustrated and confused and incredulous all at the same time.]
What experiment? Explain what things? You can't be talking about that. There's no way that was necessary! No one would ever agree to that, because it's just plain gross!
[He's sure of it!
... although. Now that he thinks of it.
Didn't Aventurine say something in those texts about killing him and then doing "whatever he wants" with the body........? His eyes go comically wide, and he freezes as he remembers.]
( Esikko is trying very hard to be patient. And it's noteworthy, really, that he is. Noteworthy that that last frayed line between them has refused to break, even with him frowning like he's the most miserable man in existence to be listening to this, captive in a hospital bed. Because it's not that bad, to have the company at all, that Hiyori still wants to talk to him, even if it's to complain, or whine, or yell at him...
He feels pathetic for it. But that's for his thoughts later. Right now, he just stares as Hiyori goes through the five stages of grief right in front of him, finally moving his hand away from where he yanked the IV out. )
Did you recall? When we spoke in person, he even encouraged dismemberment. I didn't need anything like that, so I didn't bother; I only tested what mattered.
The rules of this little game. ( He sighs heavily. ) Do you not see how that's valuable to know? That a body need not be conscious, or alive— that the House considers it a "participant" regardless? That told me plenty about how we're considered in this space, how the game works, and how to navigate those threads of roots in the basement.
None of it was for fun or cruelty for the sake of being cruel. I am cruel, of course— but I like to think there's reasoning behind it.
The only reason I told you about all of this in the first place was to spread the knowledge I learned. Not to have you figure this out, not to paint any one person as a bad guy, and that's why I was vague, unhelpful, or just as questioning. I tried my best to cut you from looking into this.
Esi telling Hiyori about this like a year ago: "surely this won't come back to haunt me"
[True, most people probably don't like being interrogated about past crimes while they're bedridden in the hospital recovering from a strangulation attempt. But alas, Hiyori Tomoe isn't the type to hold back his grievances. When he has them, he shares them! And he has lots with Esikko!
But not just with Esikko, who isn't the only freak around here. Or even the biggest one, apparently.]
Ngh...
[His shoulders sag and he grimaces. Much as he wants to question Esikko's words, he remembers Aventurine's attitude in those text messages. Things do line up. And he can't quite argue against the rest of what Esikko's saying, either, about the usefulness of figuring out how the "game" and the resort work. It makes things doubly frustrating.
In the end, he only mutters darkly to himself.]
Now I feel even worse for her. I should take her out for drinks again soon.
[Poor Topaz, having that disaster for a work partner. All he can say is thank goodness that man chose Kirma over her. Imagine if they'd been dating on top of everything else. She really dodged a bullet there! ... but putting his delusional assumptions about other people's relationships aside...
He's quiet for a moment, thinking. It's not that Esikko sounds like he's lying. Hiyori does know Aventurine asked to be killed. Offered to pay for the service, even. But there's something else that nags at him, now that he's gotten started thinking about those messages. It churns in his stomach, gnawing at his thoughts. Until, quietly:]
... then what was that he said about your "hobbies"?
[There was something about that. Wasn't there? Something that made it sound like...]
You said it's not for fun, but he seemed to think you would find it fun.
he's always beefing with his future and past selves in this way
( For what it's worth, there's not much of a reaction from Esikko to that questioning. He seems unbothered, or unworried? More annoyed than anything else. )
Because he thinks poorly of me. I use blood for magic purposes, if you recall. Earlier, before that moment, he invited me on a "date"...
( He sighs, rubbing at his arms, feeling too chilly for this room. Why are places like clinics always so freezing, anyway? )
While originally I had liked him, he quickly revealed himself to be obnoxious in the worst ways. He prodded at my own insecurities while hiding his own. He spoke as if he knew me, just from what Kirma had told him.
Those hobby comments were just him doing the same thing. I try to ignore it.
[That "hobby" comment could have meant all sorts of horrible things. For example, what if Esikko's hobby is torture?? Or just murder!
But if those texts did expose his twisted hobbies, he isn't acting like it. All he says is something about blood magic and Aventurine being a jerk who likes to taunt him. Someone who picks at people's insecurities while hiding his own. There's something Hiyori's never done before! ... this evening. ... in the past minute.
Hiyori is quiet for another moment before he mutters,]
If you didn't want to do it, then...
[then you shouldn't have. But there's no point saying that when he can already hear the excuses about experiments and wanting to be "useful." He still doesn't think that was the only thing motivating him, especially if he already disliked Aventurine. But his eyes fall to the "TRANSGRESSOR" mark on Esikko's throat—proof, at least, that his desire to be useful was real. That it inspired him to act against the House, once. And then Hiyori's gaze drops further to the vial sitting on the bed, which he bends down and picks up for Esikko to see.]
I meant what I said before. If you can make things like this with magic, you're already useful. That other stuff was just disgusting, and it was way overkill.
[Another pause, and then he tucks the vial back into his bag like he did before.]
But I'll take it, since you said you said you were going to throw it out otherwise. I thought if I gave it back, it might get rid of that connection. But that doesn't seem to have done anything, so...
[He trails off, then turns his nose up, not wanting to seem too friendly.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
( He plays with the cords along his bed, fingers twirling into them as he considers. He could just tell Hiyori to fuck off, that it's none of his business, that he should watch his mouth. He could be threatening, be mean. But... )
I could force everyone to like me, sure. I could alter your memories, could pretend we never had this argument. I could erase everything, again and again, each time it somehow came up...
( His twirling stops, and he meets Hiyori's eyes, frowning. )
But isn't that more lonely than anything else? I can't stand that sort of mindset, changing everyone around me to that degree. It's what my father would have done to me if he had the choice.
And even if I had tried it, even if it was something I'd stand doing, I'd be living in the aftermath with the knowledge of what you truly think I deserve while you cheerily go on about singing. ( He already had a lot of that, but it would be worse to know it so finally, so truly. To not be accepted for who he is, but simply because of what he'd done. Disgusting. )
Maybe I'm simply not as scummy as you think I am. Not like that.
no subject
[Talking down on Kirma for being a tool who does anything anyone says, only to make himself into Aventurine's tool. Scorning Aventurine for harboring a death wish, only to behave so recklessly that it's like he's asking to be killed. This time he wasn't. But next time?
But onto the discussion about memory erasure. There's one surprising line in all this: "It's what my father would have done to me." Surprising because it suggests empathy. Esikko's always seemed like he's on a quest to make others feel the same pain he's felt on his life, so for him to say that...
Hiyori's quiet for a moment after he finishes, studying him. Before at last he comments:]
It's almost a shame you draw the line there. If you did take those memories away, I wouldn't get sick thinking about that disgusting thing you made him do. And that "aftermath" you mentioned would seem a fitting punishment for you.
[Esikko would be forced to reflect on his actions, while he gets to keep his peace of mind. Still, he shakes his head.]
But that's a far cry from the kind of friendship I hoped we'd have. And I can't keep turning my eyes away from everything that's rotten about the world. As much as I'd like to, I can't, so...
[He gives a tired little shrug.]
That's that, I guess.
cw... needles? kinda
( Something snaps, not physically, but weighted all the same. A line that once tied the two together waves free and vanishes, leaving behind only the thinniest, fraying thread of pure hope and delusion. He can feel it— but while Hiyori might feel the break, Esikko is certain he wouldn't be able to feel anything more than that. )
Having to live in the real world with the rest of us.
( Despite the phrasing, he doesn't sound angry. He sounds tired, disappointed even, and with a quiet glance down, he pulls the IV out of his arm, allowing it to drop and hang from the cord to the ground. Another finger stays pressed against the opening to be sure his weird blood doesn't begin to pulse out, but the floral scent is already filling the room even more. )
You can think of me as a monster. As disgusting, or sick, or cruel. But at least I'm finally, wholly me. That's what it took to break past that thick skull of yours.
( He's staring at his own arm, unblinking, too calm. )
So, that's that.
no subject
His eyes flare when he feels the snap. Startled, he raises a hand to his own chest, as though trying to feel it. To reach inside himself and grasp that fraying thread.
Because it does hurt. It hurts to feel something slip away from him that's been with him for almost a year, a tether that connects him to someone else. Above all, he hates being alone. And he's lost so many friends here. Rinne, Leo, countless others. He feels like he could disappear any day. It's why he can't help but look stricken, can't help but hurt. And maybe through what remains of that thin thread, Esikko will feel the sensation of loss he feels, just for a second.
But then he grits his teeth, letting his hand fall again. He knows what to do next. Rather than keep watering this plant, which has so many black spots...]
I don't think you're a monster.
[... no. That's not what he meant to say. He meant to say something harsh that would sever things once and for all. But it's too late, so he lets the rest spill out after.]
That's what bothers me. I don't see you as one, so I don't know how you could do something so cruel. Or why you show no remorse for anything, even now.
[That, at least, is closer to what he meant to say. His voice gets rougher as he continues:]
That's the problem. That's why it's past tense. Not because you killed someone who paid you, or because you and Kirma-kun keep hurting each other. It's your cruelty I can't accept.
[And then, more softly:]
Even though I'm like that, too, sometimes.
[... ah. He hadn't meant to say that, either. But it rings true to him. He thinks about the mean things he's said to other people, including Esikko. About his Spades designation. All the mistakes he's made from "those days" up until now.
But he pushes those thoughts aside. Reaches into his bag, smells that floral scent that hangs in the air as he takes the vial back out and places it on the bed next to Esikko. Because that should do it, right? That should end things.]
... sorry.
[He means it, on some level, despite still feeling like this is Esikko's fault.]
no subject
My "cruelty" brought those two together as a happy couple.
( That's what bothers him the most, he thinks. Being called cruel when he only acts within reason, in his eyes. He doesn't do these things for no reason. Even killing Kirma in a fit was for a reason, was for lifetimes of reasons— misplaced as they are. He knows.
But he thinks he's gone through plenty of cruel things himself, too, that so many others would write off as fine. So he's just a bit bitter about it. )
I don't need an apology, you know. I'm not sulking just to get you to say sorry and move on. ( He mumbles this, eyes flicking down to the vial that he refuses to take. )
I'm not sorry for doing what I've done. I'm not sorry for being cruel, because it's the only way I've kept myself safe. But I am sorry for making you fear over nothing. You were never in danger, with me. And I'm sorry if that's not enough, for you, as well.
( He's tired. He doesn't expect this to change anything, either, but he's glaring down at that vial. )
If you don't take that, I'm throwing it out. Just so you know.
cw: necrophilia references. again.
Things don't feel any different than they did a minute ago, though, which might mean there's still something there between them. And that's a shame, since this morally bankrupt, absurdly clueless, head-in-the-sand prince is still saying he didn't do anything cruel. Even after he killed two people! And not only that, but forced his dog to—
..... wait a second.]
What are you talking about?
[Hiyori stares at him, frustrated and confused and incredulous all at the same time.]
What experiment? Explain what things? You can't be talking about that. There's no way that was necessary! No one would ever agree to that, because it's just plain gross!
[He's sure of it!
... although. Now that he thinks of it.
Didn't Aventurine say something in those texts about killing him and then doing "whatever he wants" with the body........? His eyes go comically wide, and he freezes as he remembers.]
I'm so sorry
He feels pathetic for it. But that's for his thoughts later. Right now, he just stares as Hiyori goes through the five stages of grief right in front of him, finally moving his hand away from where he yanked the IV out. )
Did you recall? When we spoke in person, he even encouraged dismemberment. I didn't need anything like that, so I didn't bother; I only tested what mattered.
The rules of this little game. ( He sighs heavily. ) Do you not see how that's valuable to know? That a body need not be conscious, or alive— that the House considers it a "participant" regardless? That told me plenty about how we're considered in this space, how the game works, and how to navigate those threads of roots in the basement.
None of it was for fun or cruelty for the sake of being cruel. I am cruel, of course— but I like to think there's reasoning behind it.
The only reason I told you about all of this in the first place was to spread the knowledge I learned. Not to have you figure this out, not to paint any one person as a bad guy, and that's why I was vague, unhelpful, or just as questioning. I tried my best to cut you from looking into this.
Esi telling Hiyori about this like a year ago: "surely this won't come back to haunt me"
But not just with Esikko, who isn't the only freak around here. Or even the biggest one, apparently.]
Ngh...
[His shoulders sag and he grimaces. Much as he wants to question Esikko's words, he remembers Aventurine's attitude in those text messages. Things do line up. And he can't quite argue against the rest of what Esikko's saying, either, about the usefulness of figuring out how the "game" and the resort work. It makes things doubly frustrating.
In the end, he only mutters darkly to himself.]
Now I feel even worse for her. I should take her out for drinks again soon.
[Poor Topaz, having that disaster for a work partner. All he can say is thank goodness that man chose Kirma over her. Imagine if they'd been dating on top of everything else. She really dodged a bullet there! ... but putting his delusional assumptions about other people's relationships aside...
He's quiet for a moment, thinking. It's not that Esikko sounds like he's lying. Hiyori does know Aventurine asked to be killed. Offered to pay for the service, even. But there's something else that nags at him, now that he's gotten started thinking about those messages. It churns in his stomach, gnawing at his thoughts. Until, quietly:]
... then what was that he said about your "hobbies"?
[There was something about that. Wasn't there? Something that made it sound like...]
You said it's not for fun, but he seemed to think you would find it fun.
he's always beefing with his future and past selves in this way
Because he thinks poorly of me. I use blood for magic purposes, if you recall. Earlier, before that moment, he invited me on a "date"...
( He sighs, rubbing at his arms, feeling too chilly for this room. Why are places like clinics always so freezing, anyway? )
While originally I had liked him, he quickly revealed himself to be obnoxious in the worst ways. He prodded at my own insecurities while hiding his own. He spoke as if he knew me, just from what Kirma had told him.
Those hobby comments were just him doing the same thing. I try to ignore it.
no subject
But if those texts did expose his twisted hobbies, he isn't acting like it. All he says is something about blood magic and Aventurine being a jerk who likes to taunt him. Someone who picks at people's insecurities while hiding his own. There's something Hiyori's never done before! ... this evening. ... in the past minute.
Hiyori is quiet for another moment before he mutters,]
If you didn't want to do it, then...
[then you shouldn't have. But there's no point saying that when he can already hear the excuses about experiments and wanting to be "useful." He still doesn't think that was the only thing motivating him, especially if he already disliked Aventurine. But his eyes fall to the "TRANSGRESSOR" mark on Esikko's throat—proof, at least, that his desire to be useful was real. That it inspired him to act against the House, once. And then Hiyori's gaze drops further to the vial sitting on the bed, which he bends down and picks up for Esikko to see.]
I meant what I said before. If you can make things like this with magic, you're already useful. That other stuff was just disgusting, and it was way overkill.
[Another pause, and then he tucks the vial back into his bag like he did before.]
But I'll take it, since you said you said you were going to throw it out otherwise. I thought if I gave it back, it might get rid of that connection. But that doesn't seem to have done anything, so...
[He trails off, then turns his nose up, not wanting to seem too friendly.]
That's that!